luzribeiro (luzribeiro) wrote in talk_politics,

This just in! Evil giraffes strike back!

The infamous zoo in Copenhagen which first killed a giraffe in front of the eyes of visiting children and gave it to the lions to teach the kids a lesson about life's realities, and then killed a bunch of young lions to make room for a new adult lion, is now taking further steps for optimizing its activities. The zoo authorities are now planning to euthanize several of its employees in order to create four new jobs, the zoo's PR department has announced.

The zoo management specifies that the four employees will be executed in a humane way (with a lethal injection), after which their bodily remains will be given to the predators, to complete the natural cycle, and teach yet another precious lesson to the visiting youngsters.

"Based on the recommendation of the European Commission for Work and Organizational Psychology, we have decided to vacate some room for new employees, because our zoo is in need of fresh staff. We have concluded that killing off the oldest (and hence, unfittest) members of the staff would be the cheapest and most efficient way of doing that", the zoo's official speaker has announced. "Not to mention that it would be a good example of natural selection working its way toward the betterment of humanity".

Initially, the four humanely terminated individuals will be given to the giraffes for food, and if the giraffes show no interest to their unconventional lunch, it will be finally given to the lions. Because no meat should ever be wasted.

"The most elderly specimens among the staff are having difficulties in handling their everyday tasks anyway; they cannot work properly with the modern technologies, and they are unable to adapt quickly enough to the dynamic work environment. We find the criticism on this policy coming from their relatives to be unfounded", the speaker has added.

"It is true that a zoo does not own its employees, but on the other hand, the zoo management are responsible for the staff's efficiency, therefore we are in our full right to do with our employees whatever we deem appropriate within the confines of the zoo. We have decided that this is the only humane way of disposing of them. There is nothing unreasonable in creating four new jobs for able, well-qualified people, while ridding our prosperous society of four potential chronic unemployed hobos, especially in these hard economic circumstances - as some heartless observers have proposed while comfortably sitting at the sidelines, knowing nothing of what they are talking about", the zoo management has concluded.

The director of the zoo has pointed out that feeding the animals with the flesh of the former employees would close the food chain and thus achieve full harmony with the laws of nature that the zoo has proven so good in upholding and popularizing among the young generation. Indeed, a policy which has earned the Copenhagen zoo so many admirers around the world.

Finally, the management of the zoo has not missed the opportunity to wish everybody a very happy and mischievous April Fools Day.
Tags: animal rights, nonsense, satire, scandal
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