Fridi (luvdovz) wrote in talk_politics,

NCA: So many ways to end the world!

Ha! No Citations Allowed is here again. Prepare for unfounded rantrantrant! So Iran is about to block all supplies of oil from the Gulf thus prompting another regional war; Israel is about to bomb the shit out of the Ayatollahs; and don't get me started on the deadly artificial virus that's just been invented in the shady labs in Rotterdam!!! They've made the perfect killer mutant version of the bird flu, only this one is able to kill thousands, nay, millions of people within minutes!!!!1

This terrible little secret is being kept from the broad public by the good caring media upon request by the good caring authorities who don't want you to know details about the next form of impending death hanging over the heads of the unsuspecting common folk. But make no mistake, I'm sure Al Qaeda and the Iranian intelligence have eyes and ears everywhere, so it's just a matter of time until the next biological Apocalypse.

And even though you may have a way of dealing with this deadly pest (some of you might readily recommend a bottle of Rakia to kill it in its infancy), what about the latest discoveries of the astronomers? There are asteroids the size of the Pentagon zipping around Earth every week or two, every next one coming closer and closer. The last one dashed between Earth and the Moon, mind you! Those aliens have been improving their aiming for millennia, and it's just a matter of time until they make the perfect hit and put an end to our miserable existence down here.

And if you don't give a shit about the stars, I suggest you come down a few floors - to the high clouds and the ozone hole. One part of the meteorologists are yelling 24/7 that it's just a matter of time until we boil in our own sauce like that frog who just sat there in the pot refusing to acknowledge that the water was getting hotter. Meanwhile, another part of them are scaring us with the imminent mini-Ice-Age that's gonna freeze everybody's ass and turn us into ice-cream. (I reserve the right to get an autograph from that squirrel Scrat!)

What? You don't believe the scientists who've made these startling discoveries? Well then, you should listen to the economists. One part of them are predicting the end of entire countries, a collapse of continental currencies, and the dissolution of international alliances and unions. Oh my! This sounds SO scary. The more emotional among them are adding as a bonus the increasing probability of a new World War, much akin to the post-Great-Depression response that was WW2. No good crisis should go to waste, right? Must renovate our Military-Industrial-Complex, aw hell yeah!

Not scared enough yet? Haven't you been watching TV, FFS? If you follow some of the channels, they'll tell you that the Second Coming of Jesus is about to happen sometime in the next weeks/months/years, and after that, the battle of Armageddon and the End of Days. Meanwhile, as if to confirm this, Israel is preparing to hit Iran with a nuke. Unless the Ayatollahs somehow manage to assemble a nuke of their own before that, and figure out how to deliver it. Consequentially, the Big Powers (whoever those might be) are gearing up to start tossing cute little bombs among themselves (some are building shields against that, and they refuse to promise that they ain't gonna use those shields to protect themselves from the Bad Guys while hurling nukes at them). All in all, expect Earth to be turned into a Martian desert anytime between this year and Eternity.

And if, by some crazy roll of the dice, Tehran, Tel Aviv and Washington don't kill each other, don't worry (or worry more), for India and Pakistan are always ready to drag everybody into a whirlpool of crazy.

And if epic military thrillers aren't your thing, just listen to the sexologists (sexologians?) They're certain that males are designed to turn into gays and transvestites by default (unless they make the free choice not to, at age 0); and besides, humankind will soon cease needing the male gender anyway. A university in Newcastle recently informed the rest of the world that they had obtained viable sperm out of a female embryo. This way soon we may be able to have babies without male assistance (pfeh!) I.e., the whole male thing becomes redundant, sex becomes obsolete (nnnNNoooOooo!), and we all start having Immaculate Conception. Men, find another planet soon! Rejoice, feminists! This is gonna be the realm of Amazons where men will merely be their toys! Or something.

You still haven't run out of fear, eh? Well, of course you've heard of the Mayans, whose calendar suddenly and inexplicably ends in December this year. In order to enrich your knowledge on the subject, you could also read St. John's Revelation (well it was meant to smear that freaky bastard Nero, but it still applies to the 21st century - just ask Nostradamus!) I'd also invoke the Muslim prophecies about the Mahdi and the End of the World. Since so many people from different corners have written the same stuff at different moments, it must be true! (Same applies to the Earth being 6000 years old, btw... Seems like it was never meant to last too long, duh).

In case you're more into the recent sort of conspiracies (down with the Illuminati! remember the Georgia Guidestones, dammit!), perhaps you should take into account the information that all foods at the grocery are actually highly toxic, because the chickens and cows in the nearby farm were also poisoned with radioactive fodder and corn.

And if you're still unaware that CIA is causing the earthquakes with their newest weather weapon (jet lines in the sky, anyone?), and the mediums from the former KGB are still working on their psychotronic bombs that subconsciously make you drink more Coke and get fatter at McDonald's and dream for sex with your hot neighbor instead of looking after your kids - then you're completely ignorant, you lack critical thinking, you don't Get It, and you deserve all that's coming to you. So either Spread the Word, or get out of my way, okay?

And don't forget the info about aliens of both the Grey and Green races (who are in the middle of an inter-galactic war and we're their Guinea pigs) - their only purpose is to infiltrate us so they could study us (and occasionally anal-probe us just for the lulz), and eventually blow us to smithereens just because they can! Or because they need the space to build a galactic highway (but don't mention their poetry!) Taking some of our wimminz for sex slaves to perform genetic experiments is only one of the bonuses. And no hats made of any metal would ever help you, so you should know that any resistance is futile, so just shove it, bury your face in the pillow and cry for the rest of your days!

All that said, you shouldn't be surprised that we live in a world obsessed with all sorts of craziness, and preserving one's sanity has become Task Number One. And if in this Age of Information you're relying on the media to be your ally in making you an informed sentient being capable of critical thinking, who can make informed decisions, you must be crazy too. All the possible fears, horrors, paranoia, complexes and fixations you might've had if you had lived in the Stone Age (you know, all those beasts in the woods and spiders in the dark corners of your cave), are now amplified to the power of 10. They're shaped in a friendlier form so they could be sold, swallowed and digested more easily, they sink in quickly and if you believe you could sift out the real nuggets of truth and wisdom from all that chaff, maybe you should think again.

Or you'd say you just pay attention mostly for the lulz, in which case - respect! Keep saying this to yourself 10 times every evening and it might become true one day. After all, isn't that how all the info gets through in the first place? Isn't it what makes it so interesting? It's controversial and sounds highly improbable, but after you've heard it for the 9999th time, you start hearing that voice at the back of your head: "But what if there's a grain of truth in all that bullshit? I can't be always Thomas the Unbeliever, can I?"

Poor, poor viewer, spectator, listener and reader - they stand no chance of surviving on their own amidst all these threats coming from everywhere. Unless they grab the few rescue straws they're being conveniently tossed over the shore, and take it sink, hook and line.

...Or they could reach for the remote and push that red button, until the screen in front of them goes off. Then sigh, take a few deep breaths, have a glass of water, and pick up the phone. And call a friend you haven't met for years, and go out. Maybe you'll have made the world just a tiny bit of a better place this way. And maybe you'd have prolonged its life with another day. Until the next imminent Apocalypse, of course.
Tags: conspiracy, nonsense, satire
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