The Dailyquote list for the 3rd third of 2012 begins right here:
"I've never liked to date carbon, when things get hot and heavy with them, they always turn to stone."
"Children are more explosive than TNT. Obviously, we need sappers in the classroom."
"I suppose that's all we humans ever do, try to prove to each other that [our own world] is the real one... all the while missing the fact that we are the only one in the world and all the people to whom we constantly appeal are automatons, non-player characters in a vast reality-creating machine."
"Hey, have you been trying to tell me how everything sucks? But I'm here with my family, celebrating it (my family), and there ain't no shootings down here!"
"That's because you've relinquished your freedom and have become slaves to safety."
"I used to be pretty good at geography, until the USSR fell apart. Suddenly, everyone was named STAN."
"Googling hardly is donkey's work, it's rather monkey's one."
"Let's put your argument aside for a while and talk about what a horrible person you are. Once we've established that, the wrongness of your argument comes naturally".
"This group believes the government should take care of every part of their life!" / "That group believes the invisible hand will take care of everything, so they don't have to care about anything!"
"Being unable to keep his pants on, Petraeus would be the perfect US president, I'm sure."
"I wonder when it'll be appropriate to talk about this in the wake of the Pennsylvania shooting that happened just yesterday. Maybe we'll have to wait for another X days before the Code of Appropriateness changes from "STFU" through "No Way" through "somewhat greenish" to "slightly green"."
"Green Eggs and Powder Burns"
"Hop on Pop's Sucking Chest Wound"
"The Cat In The Hat Is Stuffed And Mounted On My Living Room Wall"
"Oh The People You'll Shoot"
"Words are wind. Actions are what matters."
"[The French] are socialists. Saying the words "I'm sorry" takes only a few seconds and *then* they make money."
"No one, not even the presumably most intelligent and well informed people, is immune to superstitions, or worse, the hive mentality imposed upon the public by the media."
"In 20 years, somebody will write about the "Myth of Global Warming". Hopefully, she/he'll include a paragraph about the stupidity of people so maybe we won't go through it again."
" What people around will undoubtedly put it high on their reading list, right by the burned effigy of John Tyndall."
"Everybody I see is a square peg. Every label I have is [a] round hole. But I am not worried. I have a REALLY big hammer."
"Why does a human need an assault rifle? I'm fairly sure people were equally human in the age of muzzle-loading flintlocks, or the even older age of polearms and swords."
"Don't bet on a Berlusconi defeat until you've seen his head separate at least 2 m away from his body."
"Glenn Beck's career has involved more frantic changes of tune than a performance of Handel's Messiah sung by the National Tourrettes Association. His accountant must have shown him something unpleasant."
"You forget, in the new "kinder gentler" America kids get trophies just for showing up."
"Showing up is a big achievement, tho'. It requires getting up from bed."
"If Arthur Dent is Bilbo Baggins, then what does it make Zaphod Beeblebrox? I'm betting on Gollum."
"People don't notice totals... they notice changes in totals."
"Negotiations, mediations, and compromise could solve every problem - except for the problem of figuring out who really solved the problem."
"...And far in the north beyond the Wall of Giving-A-Shit-About, an even more ancient immortal foe made of ice and magic is starting to melt fast, due to global warming."
"Gee, even if 1% of the claimed findings of St.John bodily remnants were true, it would turn out he had three heads, five arms and nine legs with six toes on each foot!"
"The freedom to "make shit up" (religion) should not subvert laws in real life."
"A corporation is not made up of people. A corporation is made up of paper."
"Ok, as a representative of my shoes I am forming the official religion of Clod."
"Are your religious authorities to be ennobled as Hoppers?"
"Blessed are they who own stilts."
"Power goes to those who crave it. It takes a lot of ego and a certain amount of sickness to think you should (or even can) rule."
"Scandinavia is pretty much like Australia in terms of awesomeness, only with more elks and blonde chicks."
"I'm trying to imagine a Swiss-type direct democracy being tried in the US, where people put their choice in an envelope and send it by mail or email. Somehow, the picture ain't working."
"Christ is an eternal form. He kept returning again and again. The Church kept burning him at the stake."
"US political culture, at least, does not trend to killing two birds with one stone. It often has enough trouble just winging one bird with a glancing blow with one stone."
"Bullshit Mountain is like the sacred Mount Kailash. It can't be climbed. Its denizens were all parachuted on top of it, and their wisdom is supposed to trickle down from there."
"A state that lies down with dogs should not be surprised it picks up fleas."
"Palin with dragons - there's a thought to keep one from sleeping."
"She can see Russia burning from her house."
"Rumor has it Mitch McConnell will work to ensure that Obama is only a two-term president."
"Gleeful jubilation and fierce fapping on one side, and passive-aggressive paranoid butthurt on the other. Gotta love November 7 mornings."
"Or, maybe we're informed just fine, we just value different things than you think we should value."
"Hey, we get to pick the mouthpiece for the ruling oligarchy. Don't take that away from us, it's what makes our country great!"
"Thank God the Never-Ending Story is finally going to be over."
"It's not often politicians actually lie to us. Most of the time they just bullshit us. There is a huge difference."
"We really are a country built on our grandparents' infrastructure, with no desire to upgrade it for this generation."
"I don't think about how gravity works when I jump off something, but I still somehow end up on the ground."
"When the other guy screws up badly, it is a sign this guy is less worse than his opponent."
"I dunno. Spooning without forking makes for a dull plate setting."
"I wonder how come all loyal friendly type of characters are always called Sam. There must be something loyally-friendly-like in the name Sam."
"Seismic wave goes up, seismic wave goes down. You can't explain it!"
" And sometimes it goes sideways. Ergo, ALIENS!"
"Seriously. Why can't those geologists predict when an earthquake would hit and where and how strongly? I mean, look at animals - most of them have already figured it out a long time ago!"
"Romney invested in a company that invested in a company that invested in a company that makes voting machines... Inveption!"
"The corruption of the playful word troll to mean 'asshole' is one of the greatest tragedies of the internet."
"Whenever I hear 'it's a state issue', my mind hears 'federal politicians are too chickenshit to pick a side and lose votes'."
"One thing is for sure. There is too much boiled leather in politics. Whereas we could do with more onions."
"There's an Obamaphile, there's an Obamaphobe, and then there's an Obamaphone!"
"There are plenty of reforms that the US system would do well to consider and implement, but gross public opinion in the US won't support any political position that can't be summed as "punish moar"".
"A lot of people would be happy to live in cardboard boxes if they think it lets them get away from their paranoid notions of Big Brother."
"IMO, all a president needs to know about science is political."
"When your lies earn you a win, all lose."
"This post shall be infinite like the Universe! Or... like people's folly. I can't remember which it was."
"Maybe. That's the only correct answer, from a dogmatically agnostic point of view. And we all know that agnosticism is the default mode of humans, before they get plagued by either religion or atheism. It iz known."
"Is there a Caesar's Mental Health tag yet?"
"That would've been an oxymoronic tautology."
"I love compromise. It leaves all sides slightly less unhappy than before."
"I would like to know about these studies you mentioned."
"They're from the University of It Stands to Reason, Faculty of One Guy Told Me So At The Pub."
"Probabilities are a funny thing. They can be whatever you want them to be."
"Guys born without the participation of sperm, who turned H2O into alcoholic beverages with the power of thought, then died and were swiftly resurrected, to fly off in a space rocket. How about that."
"In America, you go to Party. In Soviet Union, Party goes to you."
"Socialism reduces incentive to succeed to make profit and work hard."
"Also it's bad for the teeth. Case in point: Britain."
"I like [the] FoxNews method of fact checking. If it's something they doubt, they just suggest a conspiracy; it saves time."
"We might be up Shit Creek. This sure looks a lot like it, but we've never been here before, so this could also be Turd River, or Excrement Lake. Either way, the boat's leaking."
"Mitt Romney's steady Jenga hand demonstrates that he'd lead this country with a firm, resolute grip that's responsive to the slightest shifts in balance. That pic was easily his best argument that he could handle foreign policy better than Obama."
"The average voter is like the average consumer: bombard them with messages and maybe they'll pick your brand!"
"Not saying one eviler evil being more evil than another, less evil evil, somehow makes the latter evil any less evil. But still, perspective is a valuable asset when looking at the bigger picture."
"Perhaps if we could make the entire military of drones and clones... And little white blobs running on our screens... Pow! Pow! Pow! Triple combo! 150 pts! You pass to the next level!"
"There are no conspiracies. Its all one giant coincidence!"
""Better person" sounds like something utterly immeasurable. Or maybe that's the whole idea of election campaign."
"Today's good is tomorrow's evil, but yesterday's evil stays evil."
"I am a man of my time. And as such, my sins will be those of a man of my time. But they will still be sins."
Life is a biatch, you're presented with A) shitty B) shittier C) shittiest option more often than not!
"Accusing atheists of having any faith is like accusing the hairless of being too blond."
"What about the sanctity of marriage?! I think it would destroy the historical and culturally significant understanding of marriage if we were to legalise no fault divorce."
"College kids may not care about environmental pollutants, but cock size is an attention grabber. And Cock size being the last of our worries!"
"It could be worse, the other end could be getting, you know, bigger. It's all fun and games until you have to use the whole box of maxi pads."
"How can fiat money "trickle down" anyways, it doesn't have mass."
"Quantum fluctuation. It's both here and not here."
"Everything that brings us pleasure also brings us pain to measure it by."
"Look here is an apple! Look here is an orange. If I smash them together enough maybe I can convince people they are the same."
"Long live particle accelerators!"
"Yo dawg, I heard you like debt so I put some debt in your debt to help you pay your debt."
"There are some things humankind are not meant to trifle with, one is dividing by zero, and the other is letting Jay Leno grow a beard..."
"Your sins damn you to hell. Mine are merely slight flaws that are fully overshadowed by my general awesomeness."
"There's no US-only phenomenon. Save for Baconnaise, perhaps."
"Why was that flag moving!? There's no wind on the Moon!! Apart from Armstron'g farting!"
"Making a deal with a guy who says he represents Al Qaeda, is like making a deal with a guy who says he represents Anonymous."
"Wutz a liburahl?"
"A violent atheist hippie tree-hugger crossed with a bleeding-heart Feminazi."
"Teaching a man to fish is the best solution, but when you have more fish than you or your family could eat in a lifetime, you hurt no one by giving out the fish you don't need."
"Blogging isn't journalism - it's graffiti with punctuation."
"Let's stop comparing ourselves to other countries. We are as good as our worst deeds and as bad as our best deeds."
"I ain't mounting a vehicle that's not firmly grounded on the, well, ground; and I ain't posting something I wouldn't be able to respond in for hours. The two principles of a healthy life."
"Sitting on a high horse is a very clear invitation to break your neck."
"What's a droan?"
"Something that starts as a "drat!" but ends as a "groan!"."
"Ignorance of the stupidity suffered by others is, yes, quite blissful. I recommend it."
"Landmines don't kill people, people who lay them kill people."
"The crazy one is not the one eating the pie. It's the one giving them the pie."